and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
