i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
what ever happened to devon sawa?
fuck...who knows?
i'm really worried about him.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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