It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
