from now on my penis is your penis
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
