I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
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