I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
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