accomplished twins. life is a go
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize