just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
