theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
