I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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