I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
