We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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