HIV tests are more positive than that guy
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
