i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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