Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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