did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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