My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You need Xanax blowdarts
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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