don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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