If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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