my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
sarcasm needs its own font
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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