I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
