No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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