I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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