Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
