Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
