Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
