New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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