Yo dont text me then not text me
I think I died a long time ago.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
