The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
