In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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