I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
