I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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