I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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