my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
