Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
