pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize