Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize