she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
