Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
