Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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