OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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