Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
