dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
