Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
