my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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