I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
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