I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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