a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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