Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
