My first STD was from a foam party
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
