I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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