some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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