I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
