Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
