I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
