You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
