Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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